If you’re the parent of an emerging adolescent, you don’t need to be reminded that they are experiencing the first waves of a fundamental shift. They are Montessori’s “social newborn”, working out who and how to be in the society they have inherited. Their brain is undergoing a flood of changes, all of which influence decision making.
You know your kid needs steady adult guidance to help them navigate the increasing complexity of their life. And yet, with the competing interests of friends, activities, and technology, plus a side of attitude, you may be struggling to find a way in.
Does your teen barely acknowledge your bids for connection until 11pm, and then have you hanging on the doorframe while they unspool the day’s drama? Psychologist Lisa Damour encourages us to leave the dishes for the morning and give them our full attention.
Damour’s book, The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, aims to help parents “stay connected to your teen and provide the kind of relationship they need and want”. This means being willing to meet them, sometimes, on their terms.
What Damour hears most often from her clients is the wish that their parents would listen to what they have to say. Really listening, without jumping to solutions or rushing to console, can feel counter to the instinct to protect your child. She writes that “the act of putting feelings into words [may] provide all the relief that’s needed”. When they come to you, ask what they need: do you want help, or do you want to be heard?
It is likely that often, they just want to vent. The better we get at articulating our feelings, the more clarity we feel after talking through them. Help your teen build their emotional vocabulary by drilling down - you’re “mad”; are you also irritated, apprehensive, disgusted, floundering? Supporting them to communicate through, and about, their emotions will increase their self-awareness and build a muscle that supports everyone in the home - empathy.
Giving their emotions our attention helps teens take their feelings seriously. Damour observes that adolescents doubt the validity of their emotions when they compare to how their peers seem to feel. A friend’s snippy comment at lunch really rubbed them the wrong way, but nobody else seemed upset, so they’re probably making a big deal out of nothing. Encourage them to trust their gut and talk together about how they could respond if they choose to.
Feelings are just one piece of data. Encourage them to tap into other ways of knowing, including logic and values, when making decisions. Take the initiative to bring up tricky situations they’re likely to encounter, and help them create a plan that aligns with their goals for themselves.
Often the solutions adolescents come up with are different from what we would have chosen for them. By empathizing, instead of rushing in, we are showing them that they can trust themselves. This is another step toward the independence they’ve been building since they started washing their own dish in the Young Children’s Community.
You may feel frustrated when your teen shows the ability to reason one minute, and makes a regrettable decision the next. They are likely to be frustrated and confused, too! This is part of the journey. All of the work you have done to build trust will help them feel safe to open up in those vulnerable moments.
This blog was inspired by Lisa Damour’s The Emotional Lives of Teenagers. Upper Elementary and Compass Junior High parents are invited to join us for a discussion at Compass on January 28th at 6:30pm.